Wednesday, 29 August 2007

Out there, at last

So it's been roughly a year that I have been serving, or at least attempting to serve, Sir. I am quite frankly a slow learner and could not possibly call my self a fully trained submissive yet, darn my years of selfish ego building!!!
Still it has been an interesting journey so far, with its inevitable ups and downs but overall it is a positive experience and one which I have no intention of bringing to an end.

So to celebrate our almost anniversary* we went to a Munch, our first munch in fact our first foray outside the front door (apart from the picnic in the Forest wink, wink, nudge, nudge!).
The munch was a great experience, I have no idea now what I really expected it to be but it was just (ha! just!!) a bunch of normal people, meeting in a pub talking about kinky things. I found it very freeing as there were no loons there to make me feel like getting back in my self imposed closet. Sir told me before we went that I did not have to adhere to any rules for him just so long as I was comfortable so this made it very easy for me to be able to talk to and about anything I wanted without fear of displeasing him (Thank you Sir x).
We left before the munch finished and Sir then bought us a takeaway ( I so could not eat before we went!!) which we sat on the beach eating and discussing the evening and what it had meant to us.
So all in all a good evening, will be back again and hope that at least some of the people we met may become friends.

* To clarify I am not a sentimental anniversary keeper and actually have no idea of the actual date our dynamic formally changed. He should beat me for that ( I wish he would!) The munch just happened to happily fall at about the right time, I have glorified the whole thing! I love poetic may now laugh at me!

Wednesday, 8 August 2007

Hypnosis and training

I know, I know posting drought and then two in one day. So shoot me!

Sir has been practicing hypnosis for some time, I am a willing guinea pig. He has tried such things as, making me not like chocolate (didn't work) giving me more self confidence (well I have that, but it may be his overall effect on me) and now I asked if he could help me to become his perfect submissive.
Now I'm not stupid and I'm aware that what in effect I'm doing is giving him carte blanche to turn me into whatever he wants, but I guess that is what I really want. I do have an amazing trust in him and know that he will not do anything that will compromise me in any way. And in reality I feel that if you really do not want whatever it is that is being suggested to you, It cannot happen (for example: who wants to give up chocolate?).
So am I wrong? Is this effectively brainwashing and if so, so what? I'm fairly sure if I were to discuss this with my vanilla friends they'd tell me I was bonkers - well I already am. How can it be wrong to allow the person you need to change for, to help, or rather have total control on the changes that are required.
It's rather a moot point as I have allowed him to do what he wants and will continue to do so, but I guess I do like to share!

Was it the ginger?

So I took another trip to subspace the other night thought you'd be interested in the circumstances.
Sir decided he was going to play with me and mentioned that he was going to use ginger; having played with ginger previously I suggested that if this were the case he'd have to employ binding and gagging as the initial effects of ginger, especially when inserted anally make me a very vocal and sammy subbie!
So he took my advice (I rather imagine he was going to whatever I had said) and laid me face down on the bed and cuffed my arms and tied my legs. I was duly gagged and then treated to a sensual few minutes to help me relax and become accustomed to my position (and I guess a little bit of 'I have you where I want you' on his part).
When the ginger was introduced, as predicted my body tried to show Sir it was not at all happy with the new insertion, luckily the initial reaction doesn't last too long and pretty soon there is just the warm sensation that the ginger gives. Sir began to spank first gently then harder and harder; relentlessly. He has a wonderful pair of soft leather gloves that really give a nice sensation when being smacked, takes away the sharpness of the smack but in turn allows more force to be used. At this point I found I was there again and he was taking me deeper and deeper with each smack.
I can't tell you how amazing it feels to be taken to subspace, to feel completely at home/ fulfilled and fulfilling your role. But it is a wonderful experience.
Now before I tried it, I had heard tale that ginger makes you completely desperate to be ...well to put it be fucked...hard. It does have that effect on me and this I find is a problem, as I want to please my Master but cant help begging him to please, please put me out of my misery. I know this is kind of topping from the bottom which is not something I want to do; but I think Sir knows this and it adds to his sadistic pleasure knowing what state I am in and being able to keep it from me for as long as possible.
I ended this session in tears and needing Sir's arms around me to bring me back, but it was an amazing session; I have left out details that are not relevant to my point today - I have to keep some things private.
My question is, was it the ginger or is it that my position in life is to be put across my Masters knee and spanked until I cry or cum or both?

Sunday, 13 May 2007

Making Toys

Well Sir charged me with making my own toys recently.

A wise idea on two counts on his part;

1- He has recently invested a lot of money in my toy box and these specialist items do not come cheap

2- It has given me an awful lot of pride not only in making the toy for my Master to play with me with; but also in the work involved in forming the toy.

My first attempt was a spreader bar, as it was my first attempt I made it universal – legs or arms. I also added a couple of extra hooks so it can be used for suspension.

Pretty basic stuff really when you consider the ready made ones sell for around £20.

The component parts are:

  • (New)Broom handle – varnished and cut down to size
  • 4 vine eyes
  • 4 quick release carabiners

As I said; simple really!

It took a little while, and my Masters kind help to get the length of the bar right, but once that was done the vine hooks went in easily: One at either end and then two placed about a foot apart centrally. Attached the carabiners to the hooks enabling attachment/unattachment of my cuffs et viola one functioning spreader bar!!

Was a little dubious to the strength of the hooks and suspending me from them, however so far so good! Although I must point out at this point I have not yet been totally suspended from it so it is not quite fully tested. Still works very well indeed in a prone position and mores to the point Master was incredibly happy with the resulting restraint it provided. Also the extra hooks have proved doubly useful as my wrist cuffs can be attached to force a seated, V legged, restraint – good for many things!!

My next project is to make another bar so I can have total restraint in this way and look into the ceiling hooks we have to see if they will accommodate full suspension, St Andrews Cross style.

Thursday, 26 April 2007

O with an O

Ohhhhhh my goodness has anyone ever told you that if you release yourself from the bonds of selfishness you get so much more as a reward.
Just the other day when I was pleasuring my Master with some oral servitude I found myself not only getting my usual enjoyment from his obvious delight. But also I found myself aroused by it far more than was usual...the more delicktation I brought my Master the more I felt myself; there was an absolute correlation between his gratification and my own. As I worked for some time I felt myself getting more and more..well just getting more and more!!
I had absolutely no want for anything in return from Him whatsoever; and He did nothing but enjoy my attention, but by slipping gently into subspace and thinking of nothing but his pleasure and ignoring the sensations occurring in my body: When He eventually called time by allowing me the joy of devouring every last drop I found myself in the middle of the deepest orgasm.
I can't describe exactly as I do not have the poets mind to explain why this orgasm was more than the rest..but it was all that!
I adore my Master and seek to pleasure him whenever I can, but if it carries on like this I'll have to stop labelling myself as a masochist!!

Saturday, 14 April 2007

Why me? Why Him?

OK over the last few weeks there have been a few things that have told me to think; Are you sure this is you? Well Master made me sit down and think about it, he made me write him and explain why I wanted to be a submissive, moreover His submissive.

I have no doubt at all about being his submissive, there is no one else in the world that I have any desire to serve.
Funnily enough in the English - Anglican marriage ceremony you have a choice of two 'scripts' in one you Obey your husband and in the other you don't...I chose not to obey. Why because I was a career minded, independent girl brought up in yuppidom, I was not going to obey anyone! Silly really, if you hold anything in the sanctity of the marriage ceremony then I got it all wrong and I think I need to retake my vows!!
I love my husband very deeply and needed a way of showing him just how much I love, respect, and obviously trust him. Obviously this would not be the correct way to do it if I did not have submissive tendencies and/or he did not want to partake. This may or may not be the best thing to do but I am going to include some of the less personal parts of my letter to him to try and get across where I am coming from on this, these are from different letters and not necessarily in order but I hope to get my feelings across:

I asked you to embark on a D/s relationship with me and explained to you my reasons for this, they were; because I have such deep and amazing feelings for you that I wanted our normal relationship to intensify, these feelings are borne from love and respect. In order to be your submissive I obviously have to respect you in every way and also trust you implicitly. I can tell you I love you every day but I believe that by becoming your submissive I can show you, every time you ask something of me, my passionate feelings towards you.

I have a deep desire to serve you…I really want to make you happy in all ways, by giving you my servitude I feel can best please you; If you want a slut I will follow orders to be a slut, if you want a demure Geisha all you need do is order it. It removes all the possibility of me getting it wrong... I am happy to serve you in whatever way necessary because my love for you is so intense.

I want to serve you and only you, my heart still misses a beat when I think of you and you have the ability to take me beyond ecstasy and into heaven on earth…why would I not want to serve you and repay you for this ability. Nothing makes me happier than when you tell me you are happy (or show it) I can think of no greater privilege than to serve your desires for eternity.

Sir I do want to serve you I give myself to you, please take care of me and help me to grow into your perfect submissive.

How come I turned submissive?

OK so that's Him now why me? Well I believe it is inherent, I don't believe I turned submissive at all I just think I found myself and had the courage to follow it through. I remember my teenage erotic dreams were sub in nature, involving chains, cages and always with me as the captured one/ slave. This is many years before the Internet, before I had seen a blue movie let alone a 'BDSM' one. I had never read an erotic book or magazine. I had no benchmark to go on, only what I felt within myself. So when I think back I think these must have been my true feelings. It has taken me years to not only find myself and ask for help. To realise I am not a freak for wanting this but that I am merely in the minority. I am not asking to be harmed, nor do I wish to become a slave. I am a worthwhile person with desires interests and gifts for the world; but when the door is shut and we are alone in our home I wish to be subservient.

I am (sexually) a masochist, I have found this out through experimentation and it is a knowledge I am at ease with; for whatever reason, in certain situations the pain is very pleasurable. I only hope that I do not have to keep extending the boundaries too far to be able to keep the intensity that the pain gives me.

I hope that that gives just a little insight into the whys and hows. Willing to answer any sensible questions that may arise. I know that my mind may have gone off on a tangent during this blog so I'm sure there are no prizes for grammar or clarity - just hope it is useful to those who read this that wanted to know.

Wednesday, 11 April 2007

Ds Hideaway

Got to thinking about a place we go to stay when we need to recuperate and hide from the world.
It is a little place in the middle of the countryside with the pigs and cows as neighbours. There are a few buildings dotted about the grounds which makes it mini village with a lovely iron gate and a long driveway to keep it from the rest of the world. We made a passing comment to each other that it would make a Ds heaven, where Doms could lead their subs around within the grounds without drawing unwanted attention. There are places where you could learn Dom arts like Shibari or even parade your subs if the desire took you.
Of course this has made me think; I wonder if there is such a place? Whenever I think of a Ds hideaway I always think of an older building with 4 poster beds and tranquility. I don't really know why, well I know why the bed, I have a fantasy for being suspended from the bed posts, but I'm not sure why my idea of Ds heaven is Austenesque. Maybe I'm just a romantic at heart!! I have looked into booking weekends away in these sort of places but always chicken out as I am never sure how thin the walls are and would hate to think of the inquisitory looks of fellow guests after a night of flogging and the inevitable screams (of joy) that emit from my entry into subspace.
Comments very welcome if there is any BDSM friendly accommodation that I haven't discovered...and if not someone lend me a couple of Million so I can buy a manor and open one of my own!